Ok, before it starts to look like we are specifically targeting Zain and in the employ of some other telecom, let me start with the caveat that, unfortunately, aside from general bad service, they are the ones participating in extra-curricular stupidity that has come to our notice.
We are pretty sure that the other telecom companies are also up to no good, but until we find out what those deeds are, we will have to continue like this. In fact it just occurred to me that there are always Etisalat’s awful radio adverts to address…

So, unto the topic at hand. Zain and the new, Ikoyi based headquarters.

After getting rebranded as Zain, I guess the higher ups decided that they needed to leave as much as possible behind so that we, their customers will forget about Celtel as an entity. They have repainted the majority of their offices and service centres an eyeball turning magenta, and pale green, changed their recharge cards to reflect the new Zain brand identity, taken down all their old billboards, flooded the airwaves with transformation and affirmation radio adverts, print and TV adverts, and, if you’re one of the chosen few, changed the Celtel name on your phone to Zain amongst other things.

It was not enough. Their management thought that people still remembered that they were Celtel. Surely, it must have something to do with their head office off Sanusi Fafunwa in Victoria Island. Yes, that must be it! Whenever people drove by Sanusi Fafunwa, they thought varying thoughts such as, “Waoh! Look at Celtel’s office over there! I wish I could visit!” and “I wish I worked at Celtel’s head office, my friend works there!”.

No, this simply could not do. The head office must be destroyed and then rebuilt.

I imagine the board meeting at which this proposition was made. Brows furrowed and throats ‘hmmd’ in agreement. The building had to go. A little voice from somewhere in the back of the room however reminded them that the building did not belong to them and was in fact on a long-term lease which was yet to expire.

“Oh.” they all exclaimed in unison, realising then and there that the only other option was to lease a new building and move everyone out of their current one. After all, they had the funds. What else could they possibly spend it on?

The little voice spoke up again and suggested that maybe they could use it to upgrade their base stations, maybe even build new ones and maybe, just maybe get their 3G platform off the ground and into the hands of customers to reward them for long years of loyalty.

But, unfortunately as is the case with these things, little voices are only heard once every blue moon and it had already used up its chance to be heard.

And so it was that Zain sent out people to go and look for a fitting edifice with which to destroy the average customer’s connection between the company formerly known as Celtel and the company now known as Zain.

And it would have worked too, if it wasn’t for the fact that everyone who knew about it got distracted by the fact that Zain paid the princely sum of $27 million for a five year lease on this building.

Heck all I see whenever I dream about the building, and believe me I have nightmares about it, is a huge $ sign threatening to devour…something or someone. Well, either that or  that the $ is for $lap.

If you haven’t visited their new office yet (and I say ‘yet’ because I believe every customer of Zain should, if only to see what their credit is paying for), let me describe it to you.

It is a towering edifice with 8 floors and a penthouse office. All floors are open plan, ensuring that if staff A is on facebook instead of doing any work, they can be confident that they won’t get into any trouble because they can see their boss also on facebook about two tables away.

The interior staircases are designed to ensure maximum injury during a fire or other emergency that demands expedient evacuation of the building.

There are hundreds of staff in this building and yet they are all served by two elevators that can hold a maximum of 8 people and stall with a minimum of two. In a brilliant stroke of inefficient design, the building is split up into two wings. These wings are only connected on three of those eight floors. So, if you are on floor 3, wing A and wanted to see a colleague on floor 3, wing B, maybe to help them get a signature, you would have to wait for the elevator to be available, or climb stairs to cross over and then go back up or down to their floor. Then again, maybe it was designed in this way to minimise employee interaction with known troublemakers seperated in order to maximise productivity…you never know.

There is a lot of glass, and they are located by the sea which of course allows for nice views. The waiting area is also rather nice.

Now that you know WHAT they paid for, let us discuss HOW they ‘agreed’ to pay for it.

According to various sources, the building in question was brought up before the board of directors and minor investors. They all recoiled in horror at the price of the lease (as is wont for someone with any lick of sanity or perspective) and said they were not going to have anything to do with it. After some arguing, they agreed that a comittee should be set up to investigate the going rate of buildings and so on in Banana Island and report back to the board so that they could make an informed decision. This was instructed by the Zain chairman himself, Gamaliel Onosode, who according to some reports was specifically against the payment of such a ridiculous sum telling the comittee to “ensure that Celtel (oops, surely they mean Zain? Dammit they really need to do something about that) gets maximum value from the transaction; ensure that the rent payable is not only reasonable but is in line with market rate; to negotiate other fees including service charge, legal fees, agency fees etc; to get best value for the company; and to ensure that legal documentation is such that the interest of the company is protected.”.

The comittee went and did their research and came back with findings showing that one of their competitors (who we believe to be Etisalat by the way) had paid $20 million to outright purchase their own building and compound. So, obviously the $27 million was just not something that could be defended. To put this in perspective in case $7 million sounds like a small figure to you, that is N833,000,000. In short, a 0.8 billion naira difference. There were other discrepancies in the proposal document as well that they discovered, but this one stuck out like a sore thumb, like a Nigerian in Siberia!

I imagine the comittee rushed back to Zain HQ, out of breath from all their running and pumped with adrenaline. After all, they were about to save their company from making a terrible mistake. They would be heroes!

They must have run to the chairman’s office and slammed open the door. Important news must be backed by grand entrances after all! They threw their document on his table and told him what they had discovered. As their presentation went on however, they began to feel uneasy. Why was he looking at them in such a strange way? Sometimes it looked like bewilderment, and at others like a sort of quiet guilt, and yet at others, like he couldn’t (or was trying his damnedest not to) hear them. But, young, energetic pups that they were, they finished their presentation and waited for his praise and applause.

Only the air conditioning marked the passage of time as they waited for their chairman to speak. He finally cleared his throat and then told them that actually, they (NOT the board of directors I should stress, but another group made up of majority shareholders) had already authorised the payment for the building.

Some people said that when pressed as to why he took such a decision without waiting for the report of a comittee he had formed to advice him and the company on what to do, he said, he ‘forgot’.

Whether or not that is true is irrelevant, but it does throw some sharp relief unto the ridiculousness of the whole story. The leadership of a multi-national, multi-billion naira company made such a bad decision in so short a time and thought they could just walk away from it. It surely must be because of the failure of memory, either due to senility or subtle brain damage.

Please note that for the past seven years, Vmobile/Celtel/Zain has not paid dividends to its investors.

The wrongness of this situation, the audacity, and more pertinently the stupidity of it, has caused me, to write this long article detailing the reason they are getting slapped yet again.

1. For having a leadership that can put personal gain (and let us make no bones about it, there was major chopping in this) before the health of their company and investors.

*SLAP*

2. For not even trying to be subtle about it. At least, credit your shareholders with some intelligence!

*SLAP*

3. And, finally, for spending money that could have been used on making me a happier customer on something as unnecessary as a new head office even though you still have a lease running on your previous office!

*SLAP*

P.S To all Zain subscribers and concerned Nigerians who would want to thank us for doing this deed on your behalfs, don’t worry, slapping is its own reward.