Okay, if there is one thing that you can say about former teen witch now Evang (Prophetess? Witchfinder General? Psycho? Unscrupulous businesswoman? Satanist?) Helen Ukpabio, it’s that she is thorough. If you are a witch/wizard you can come for deliverance. If you are a victim of witchery/wizardry you can come for help. And, if you are not sure, you can come for clearance/screening.

Screening!

This is just the tip of the anthill though. She also gives guidance on catching young witches and wizards BEFORE they have a chance to manifest themselves and destroy their parents. She even has a video that’s available on youtube to show you the symptoms of childhood witchcraft and consequences of not acting on time. Watch at your own discretion, it will most likely incite extreme feelings of anger, disgust and disbelief.

For the first time in a long time, I am so filled with confusion and rage that I am not sure how to proceed with the slapping that this woman so obviously deserves.

Where to begin? Do we start with her stupid hat in that picture? The way her lips curl into a smile/sneer in that flyer? What about her book, from which we get this choice excerpt on her website:

LIFE BEFORE KNOWING THE LORD

This is just a brief history of my life. Full story is written in a book titled “THE SEAT OF SATAN EXPOSED”. I was initiated into Olumba cult at 14 years of age, I was also betrothed to Lucifer as would be wife. This automatically qualifies me to attend a spiritual school for the Royals. I was trained in concepts of mysticism, occultism, spiritism, Satanism, demonism and general cultism. The idea of developing strategies that will aid in keeping activities of the cult alive and seeing more human registering with the occult kingdom is the number one goal of the occult kingdom.

The practice of witchcraft, necromancy, familiar spirits, and other spiritistic activities in order to multiply them thereby causing confusion multiplying wrong altars are Satan’s strategy to help water down the true churches are some of their activities.

Finally, the Lord brought me out in His own time. I was saved, born again, sanctified well taught in the word. I was 14 years when Olumba seized me to work for Satan but at 17 years, the Lord brought me out to His glory.

Man, all these BScs in -isms in just three years? She must have been a child prodigy, and obviously still an agent of Satan (as can be seen in her Freudian slip “This automatically qualifies me to attend a spiritual school for the Royals.” showing she is still attending this most hallowed of spiritual educational institutions). Now, I am not going to advocate for her to be burnt at the stake or any such thing because, well, that would just not be Christian now would it? It would be far better, and in keeping with justice to have her shipped to Singapore for a rattan flogging. The full 24 strokes.

But, until that happens, we need to administer some medicine in the form of our own brand of justice.

This woman has preyed on the ignorance and fears of people in order to charge exhorbitant amounts in order to torture children all in the name of salvation. Her church, Liberty Gospel Church, specialises in the ‘deliverance’ of people from witchcraft/wizardry of any sort. Adults go there and scream, gesticulate and vomit all in the name of being delivered from whatever maleficent power supposedly has a hold over them. Children, get beaten and tortured. If you are crazy already and believe that your problems in life are as a result of supernatural forces instead of the laws of cause and effect, then you deserve to have a woman like Helen Ukpabio as your spiritual ‘leader’.

For example,

Cause: You are lazy and have a sense of entitlement leading you to believe that you do not need to work hard to earn money, after all you are ’smart’.

Effect: You remain poor and have no money with which to feed your most likely over-sized family.

This has nothing to do with witchcraft. It has to do with you being lazy. See? Not so difficult. Satanist Ukpabio though has spotted that a lot of people have trouble with this simple concept and has decided to offer them an alternative…the WITCH HUNT!

The WITCH HUNT! is a simple enough concept. Basically, if anything unpleasant at all requires some form of responsibility to be taken by yourself, blame it on a witch or wizard. Better yet! Blame it on your child, that’s sleeping in the back. She must be a witch! After all she is running a temperature in bed. It couldn’t possibly be a fever.

Yes, muggles in Africa are crazy and I am ashamed to say that these people are my brethren. Our relationship with Christianity is such a tenuous one, and in part I blame the missionaries who came here and adopted a ‘quantity over quality’ approach. All that most Nigerians have done is superimpose traditionalist beliefs unto Christianity allowing parasites like Helen Ukpabio to fester and grow.

But, the slap today is not just directed at her and her church. It is also directed at the so slow it’s static response of the government, our journalists, other religious organisations to this situation. It has taken a foreign organisation and foreign news services to bring this issue to light.

WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY ALL DOING?

The government of Akwa Ibom was just sitting pretty while children under their care have been abused, repeatedly with the promise of more abuse and permament psychological damage. Even the Democratic Republic of Congo is getting their act together about their own witch hunt problem, and they are in the middle of a war! Come on people, it is not rocket science, I know we don’t do that well.

The other churches present there. Surely the Anglican, Baptist, Catholic, Methodist, Pentecostal and other churches in Akwa Ibom would have heard of this monstrous act been perpertrated by someone claiming to be one of the fold. They should have picketed Liberty Gospel Church’s ‘temple’ and raised an alarm.

Nigerian journalists in general are just a disappointment. Most of them sitting pretty until someone comes to pay them money in order for them to do any reporting of any sort. The torture of children in a so-called democracy country by religious fundamentalists does not rank as news for them? Maybe the children should have come to give them some money to get their story told. Now that a foreign news team has come and gone, they can start covering it and showing their outrage. Maybe if they were actually doing their jobs, we might have found out even before Mr. Gary Foxcroft ever saw such a thing happening.

The final slap is reserved for the parents and relatives of these children. They should all be ashamed of themselves. In this time, in this age, they can justify the ritualistic torture of their own flesh and blood for some very ephemeral gain. These sorts of people should never be allowed to have children, and in fact be neutered to prevent their stupidity from spreading. We need less Nigerians like this thank you very much!

I am not so set in my views to say that witchcraft could not, or in fact, does not exist, but more often than not, the worst things that happen on this planet do not require any supernatural force or malignant principalities. All they require is a healthy dose of stupidity and a person like Helen Ukpabio.

Madam Evang, this slap is for you!

Some links for those who want to help out in any way. Let us try and end this nonsense. For those of you in Akwa Ibom or even in the neighbouring state of Cross River, you should also get in touch with your representatives to let them know you are pissed off with the state of affairs.