Correct TV, ke. September 2, 2008

Since this is my first post ever, I will take the time to introduce my Slap! Incarnation. I am Evilina. As my name implies, I am not nice. I am a dispenser of slaps of both the cold, hard and hot, stinging variety. I do not suffer fools but I try to be fair. That said, I trust I will not be troubled by whinging requests for “mercy” on the behalf of Slapees who are allegedly “trying.” In my articles, people who are trying will get slapped into actually doing. This is the way of Slap! and I am merely a humble conduit.

After much thought, I have decided to give the honour of my first Slap! to self acclaimed local champion cable network provider, HiTV. They are not receiving this honour because they deserve it but because their need for a very hot slap is urgent.

HiTV, which is owned by Highway Entertainment TV, launched in 2006 as a Pay TV service. From its inception, HiTV posed itself as Nigeria’s local champion set to wrest us from the dastardly, extorting grip of the monstrous cable monopoly that is DSTV. How? By the simple formula of providing quality TV at affordable prices. Correct TV, indeed.

Only that’s not quite how it’s gone down, is it, HiTV?

At the news of the impending rescue quite a few Nigerians happily dumped DSTV in favour of the homeland option. Many who never even had the budget for cable were now, for the entry price of about N33,000, able to purchase and install cable TV for their enjoyment. It should have been a beautiful story but something went horribly wrong.

People did not getting the service they paid for.

HiTV channels were randomly scrambled even when you didn’t owe any money. When you did finally get your channels, from one to the next, customers were typically treated to the same five or six programs regurgitated on a daily basis! But that’s not even the best part. When customers called to find out what the f*ck was going on, they were typically roundly scolded for not appreciating the fact that HiTV was a Nigerian initiative or realising that Rome was not built in a day. Apparently, HiTV customers were expected be grateful that their systems worked at all.

Things were supposed to get better. The genius, Proudly Nigerian minds behind HiTV promised more programs, more channels etc. The last I heard, they were supposed to be starting their own Reality TV Show possibly to be called “The Nigerian” with a winners pot of N10 million. Rumours have it that all plans for the show had to be scrapped because of something to do with DSTV. New channels included Primetime Africa, Nickelodeon, ART 2 and Love World TV. Correct TV, right?

But let me not forget their moment of triumph. Successfully out bidding DSTV for the license to air English Premier League, La Liga, and Italian Serie A. Oh happy day for Nigeria, a nation of football lovers if their ever was one. More people than ever rushed out to get themselves a piece of HiTV only to discover that the pay TV provider had no intention of delivering their beloved teams and matches to them. No. HiTV, apparently acquired the license so that they could torture Nigerian football lovers with it. Scheduled matches tended not to show on time. If they did show at all, the picture was unclear. Sometimes the commentary did not come on till towards the end of the match so customers were forced to enjoy the game in an eerie, N33,000 silence. And as for mid game and end game commentary? Don’t make me laugh! The money you pay neva reach that one!

I could continue on about HiTV’s sins but that would make this post like a Nollywooed movie (Part 2, Part 3, To God be the Glory). Instead I will just stop here and begin the slapping. I will be administering only four hot stinging slaps to HiTV because I do not want to break my slap hand off on these fools.

1. For Lying to Nigerians: You promised us that you would provide us quality programming at affordable prices. Instead for the price of N33,000 and a monthly cost of N3000 you have given us very bad TV and even worse excuses. DSTV extorts money from Nigerians but at least they give us something! I don’t care how new or Nigerian you are, Pay TV is a business. It is not a school and it is not a charity and I’m pretty sure that Toyin Subair is not working for free. If you are not ready to do the job, then get off the damn stage so that someone who is can do it.

*SLAP*

2. For Claiming that buying HiTV makes us “Proudly Nigerian”: How. Dare. You. I consider this an insult to Nigerians. How dare you suggest that buying a less than substandard product and making you richer will make me a better Nigerian! Are you guys on Crack? How about doing Nigeria proud by actually providing the service you’re collecting money for? How about taking responsibility for your blatant fockups instead of blaming technology, your service providers, DSTV and even your customers! In fact, I’m dashing everyone the right to dispense a hot slap to any HiTV Customer Service person that scolds you for not supporting HiTV as a Nigerian Enterprise even if you have to go down to Ebute Metta to deliver it. Keep in mind that rumours abound that this Proudly Nigerian Company is aspiring to sell out to one of the following: Sky, Virgin Group or Gateway Communications.

*SLAP*

3. For Hijacking the British Premier League, La Liga, and Italian Serie A Broadcasting License: Let us call a spade a spade. They hijacked it so that we would leave DSTV and give them our money. Now they have refused to broadcast it properly! Which kind of rubbish is that one? Do we not have enough problems contending with Nepa and Generator wahala? Does HiTV have to contribute their own? Abeg, collect am!

*SLAP*

4. And finally because I couldn’t be bothered to give Toyin Subair a whole post, I have kept his slap here and it’s a hot one. Toyin, this is for daring to show your face in public when you’re running such a slummy service. I would give you more but my slap hand is tired from slapping your shitty company up and down the street. Plus your afro is played out and I swear, If I see you cheesing in one more society rag in one more f*cking oversized buckle belt, I will come for you. Get some class, man.

*SLAP*

Hi-Rubbish.